The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be.
Konrad Lorenz
For all living creatures, all living beings, no matter how big or small, life is a beautiful gift – a myriad of paths, a bank of memories; a beautiful story.
For this chapter in my story, my tale, I experienced a heartbreak I never knew could exist – I had to say goodbye to my best friend, my soulmate, my brother, my companion – my beautiful dog. You must be thinking, whoever is reading this, that I must be exaggerating the pain I felt – I wish I was; I have never ached, crumbled and broke as much as I did when I had to let my gorgeous, golden desert dog run free – run free from the pain that he was in.
Twelve years of my life I spent with my beautiful boy; twelve uninterrupted years of true, pure love and friendship.
I still remember the first moment that I saw him…
My sister and I were stood on the second floor of our home, peering over the balcony that opened up into a great expanse of Arabian inspired furniture; with walls minted with an array of exquisite paintings – a red plush rug sat comfortably in the reception, extending from the oak doors and into the belly of our home. Our parents called from downstairs, exclaiming that “they had a surprise for us” and that they needed us to come down – I wondered what it could be – a new bike, perhaps? I didn’t even consider that it could be a new addition to our family! My sister and I were hesitant, so we stayed peering over the balcony – clutching to the railing in unabashed anticipation.
The oak doors opened and in darted a beautiful golden mass, attached to a dark lead and wielded by a tall, dark woman. This golden mass that had just entered our home was jumping up and down, sniffing the furniture in a frenzy; darting in between my mother and father. I looked at my sister and whispered: “that’s a puppy!”. We looked down at this beautiful creature again and I squealed with so much excitement that I thought I may have just broken the sound barrier – I already felt an overwhelming sense of love towards this golden creature. But, what was he doing here? In that moment of awe, of total infatuation, he looked up at us with his soulful, loving brown eyes – he was smiling, his tongue dangled clumsily out of his mouth. This was an expression that I would come to recognise and fall in love with over the twelve years that my dear ‘R’ was in my life.
Running down the polished marble staircase, guided by the antique wooden bannisters, kissed by the cooling whisper of the air-conditioning, my sister and I greeted our new best friend with a wholesome, loving embrace and a promise that we would love our dear brother for eternity.
Thus began the twelve years that would change my life forever – a change that promised unconditional companionship, love and protection. This was why letting him go at the end of his long, precious life was so devastating, so soul-destroying that even now, two months after his passing, I am still unequivocally broken. I thought that him and I would have forever together, but as an 8 year old girl living in a culture climate in the Middle East, I was naive and believed that I was impervious to time – impervious to heartbreak.
For the twelve years of his life, my dog, my best friend, my soulmate has got to be one of the most well-travelled canines to have ever existed. He was with our family from our time in Dubai, when we moved to Bangkok, he was with us when we had to move back to Dubai, and with us when we ventured to his final resting place – the United Kingdom. He undoubtably has more ‘air-miles’ than I have! In each country, in each of our 7 homes that we lived together in, our memories together, both our private memories, and the memories created as a family, have imprinted a kind of love onto my soul, my heart and my mind that I never knew existed between a human and a canine companion. I loved (and still love) my dear brother so unconditionally, that I would have done anything for him – maybe I would have given my life for him, that’s how much I value him, that’s how much I needed him; I never pictured a life without my dear canine brother.
I have never loved another creature as much as I loved ‘R’; I believe that we were soulmates. He knew exactly what I was feeling at the exact moment that I felt it – there were moments that he knew how I was feeling before I did. He knew when I was sad, and he knew exactly how to comfort me. He’d snuggle in between my legs, and do what we used to call ‘digging to China’, since he used to stuff his face into any fluffy surface that he had access to – at times, he did it so vigorously that it was almost like he was trying to dig to the other side of the world – hence, ‘digging to China’ (although, that’s a geographical inaccuracy). He’d look up at me when I was crying; his beautiful, soulful chocolate eyes thawing my heart and drying my eyes. I knew he was trying to make sure that I was okay – even though he couldn’t speak, his energy was so intense, so powerful that it didn’t matter – I understood him. He would tell me that everything was going to be okay – no matter how small the situation was. He told me that he loved me: unconditionally. When I was happy, he used to jump around my feet, nudge and rub his face into my knees, place slobbery kisses upon my palms and my ears – beautiful kisses from my beautiful boy. Whenever we went for walks, the moment the lead and collar rattled, he was up, scampering around, whining and directing me to his toilet bags – I knew where they were, they never moved from under the sink, but that was who he was – he always knew best and he always wanted to be involved. My trooper.
I know he comes to say hello sometimes, and I know he comes to me when I most need it. Even in my dreams, I see his beautiful, smiling face whenever I’m overwhelmed with university work, whenever I’m feeling low – he’s always there, always watching over me. He’s a part of me that will never, ever go away. A song that really encapsulates my feelings here, is ‘He Lives In You’ by Lebo M. – I know, it’s a Lion King classic, but I truly resonate with the pulsating drums, the angelic vocals – it paints an exquisite image of who ‘R’ was to me.
“He lives in you
He lives in me
He watches over
Everything we see”
Lebo M.
My favourite dream that I had of my darling boy, was about a week ago – I had just had a disagreement with my boyfriend about something petty, and naturally, I was feeling raw, emotional and in need of the one thing I desired the most – my canine brother. Of course, he wasn’t there, but I still felt his presence before I fell softly to sleep – an intense pressure by my feet made it obvious that my darling brother was returning to me from his ethereal plane in order to satiate my pain. I remember the dream well – it was genuinely beautiful.
One last run…
As I fell softly to sleep in one of the snug corners of Devon, rising high above the valley that overlooked the city sprawl below, my brother returned to me. Entering my dreamscape, I was greeted by a golden vista of a diamond speckled beach; the sea licking the skin of the sand and the sun just about sinking into it’s other realm. I recall looking down at my hands – they were wrinkled, age-spotted and my mauve red nail polish reflected the dazzling sun. I recall feeling a gust of warm air brush past my below-shoulder length, golden hair, pushing it away and letting my bare skin greet the elements. Falling to my knees, I pushed my hands deep into the sand; feeling the warm belly of the earth radiate it’s eternal life into my vessel. Looking up at the warm wash of colours that painted the sky of whatever realm that I was in, I inhaled and smiled. Peace, appreciation and an overwhelming feeling of love washed over me, like the gentle waves that teased the grains. I felt a sudden urge to look to my left. A deep sense of yearning, desire and even sorrow consumed me, for all that I saw was my dear canine brother lying down on the warm bed of the earth; staring intently at me – he was old – how he looked when he passed away.
Desperation forced me to move instantly, as I couldn’t bare the thought of missing an opportunity to hold him, to feel him, to smell him once more. I ran barefoot across the sand, the waves started to whisper; the wind started to settle and before I knew it, I was right there with him. I knelt next to him, my arms were outstretched and I reached out to his now whitening face; I felt him! I swear I could feel him. His soft fur gliding through my fingers; mimicking the beach grass that swayed so balletically in tandem with the sea breeze. He looked up at me and those once deep, rich chocolate eyes, were now glazed with the memories of his life, the stories of his existence – they were now a wash of creamy white, but nevertheless, still shining. Tears started to well and I placed my forehead onto his, aligning our minds, our bodies and our souls for one last time. Only in my dreams. I remember praying that this moment would last forever, but only in my dreams, I said. It became apparent that my darling angel was too frail to walk; we were both elderly, perfect mirrors of each other – my aged hands, his whitening scruff. Boldly, I scooped his delicate frame into my arms – he was a big dog, little by no stretch – but I searched for the energy that I needed and knew existed deep within me; the energy was fuelled by my unconditional love for him – we were one: together. I carried him in my arms along the golden stretch of beach that we hadn’t covered, and about 20 steps into what I wanted to be our final adventure together, my dreamscape obviously had other plans…
Suddenly, my darling angel and I were lifted from the warm bed of sand, him still resting in my arms, and rose into the sky together in a haze of clean white, glittering yellow and iridescent purple. We began to separate, and I recall begging this ethereal power to let me hold him, I begged it not to take my brother away from me – I needed him. Upon separating, an invigorating energy spiralled from this kaleidoscopic haze and permeated both of our beings in tandem. All I remember was a powerful, infatuating energy washing over me: it gave me my youth back. Slowly, the other-worldly power set me down again into the cushioned embrace of the sand. This time, when I looked down at my hands, they were transformed from the aged-speckled hands that I possessed before, into smaller, petite hands that were firm, silky and youthful – my youth had returned to me. Confused, I searched for my brother; panicking for I could not find him – I craned my neck upwards, searching the horizons for my companion – nothing. Empty. Was he gone? Had the universe played yet another cruel joke? Had it given me a taste of what I desired before, and stripped it from me?
I was desperate, I pleaded at the break of water, I pleaded with the beach grass, at the slowly setting sun, I threw sand in a fit of mourning, of grief – I was exasperated. As the earthy shower filtered its way back down to its body, I was directed, by a gut instinct, to look beyond the grainy sheath – my brother, he was here again. This time, it wasn’t desperation that coerced me to move, it was love; pure, unwavering love. I cried out to him, his ears pricked and his familiar wide grin etched its way across his now lustrous, full coloured coat. He was bounding towards me, kicking up a storm of sand, trailblazing the already warm earth. I started towards him and we met in a flurry of love, nostalgia and unrivalled adoration. My soulmate was back. We embraced under the comfortable glow of the sun, an entity that only seemed to shine brighter at our reunion. As we held each other, I had a feeling that ‘everything was going to be okay’; he was telling me that ‘he loved me’; he was telling me that “he misses me, but he’s in a better place now, he’s always watching over me, always walking next to me, always trying to trip me up like he did before in his physical existence”. I laughed, I cried, I begged for him to stay. He assured me that he was always there, he wasn’t speaking, but our minds and souls were connected – our unbreakable bond had survived even into the bounds of a dreamland. He told me not to be scared, and that for as long as I live, he’ll always walk beside me; I won’t walk alone. His eyes widened and communicated to me that he wanted one last run: it was time for me to wake up and re-enter my world. I told him that I didn’t want a world wherein he didn’t exist. “You’re so stubborn”, he said. I laughed: “so are you, handsome”. He promised that he’d be at my feet when I woke up, he made me promise to smile upon re-entering my plane, my world – I did, I couldn’t refuse my brother.
So, as we sat crooning over the deep blue body of the ocean, I leant onto his shoulder, grabbing at his paw – he kissed my ear and told me that it was ‘time to run’. We rose, shifting the earth beneath our feet. It was time to race, but also time to say goodbye. I recall feeling that ever familiar heartbreak of leaving him, of saying goodbye – but I couldn’t be selfish – my mental cage had given me this respite from the mundane, it had given me the opportunity to see my brother again. So, we raced for one last time. Side by side, we galloped along the waters edge, my hair escaping into the wind, his fur escaping into eternity, falling back into place. We looked at each other, I looked down at my brother, I laughed, tears rolled down my flushed cheeks, his brown eyes swelled with adoration, with love, with sadness. He was leaving me now. An unspoken call: “Goodbye Shay, I’ll see you soon, I love you”. He was slowing now, but I was racing ahead; I was craning my neck trying to look back at him, I called out to him, I screamed “No!” – he told me that it was ‘okay, he’ll be watching me’. As I continued to run along this invisible road, I started to lift into the air, the sun was rising now; greeting the plane that my brother was on. He was perched on the sand now, smiling up at me, radiating eternal love. Rising now into a beam of white light that perforated the angelic warmth of this universe, I saw a fleeting glimpse of my Grandmothers by his side, followed by a familial voice “I love you, I miss you, goodbye”…
Heaven.
To you, my beautiful brother, I want to say thank you. I am lost for words, and truly devastated. There is an unfixable hole that now stretches across my heart; currently, I see no salvation, no respite from this seemingly eternal ache now that you’re gone. To you, my best friend, the absolute love of my life, I am saying goodbye. My spirit of life. I couldn’t stay where I was knowing that you were on the other side of the country, slowly slipping away from me, from us – our family. I came back for you and made that last 48 hours of your life one that was so intimate, so special – a recollection of beautiful, eternal memories. Treats, milk, chicken, burgers and cheese – a few of your favourite things, things that you will now have forever and for eternity. Thank you for giving me the best twelve years, thank you for teaching me patience, what it truly means to love unconditionally, thank you for putting up with my annoyance, and thank you for being there through the good, and the bad. You are truly, honestly, my best friend and I will love you wholly, forever; until the day I see you again – until I see you in my dreams. You are such a gift, the spirit of life, and I will miss you unwaveringly, uncontrollably and forever. I love you, goodnight my precious boy.
Run free.
21 | 11 | 2018
Strictly Mine.
Life's Privilege 